i'm glad i've made the right choice to not wait till i'm better..
i'm glad i hopped into the cab right away. the uncle is nice, chatted with me through the ride home.. even though my heart still hurts.
nobody treats me this way..
nobody scream at me, when they are in the wrong.. not anyone close at least.
nobody threw my stuff.. especially not when i NEVER did threw yours. at most, i throw my OWN stuff when i'm angry.
nobody threw my notes.. not when my exam is days away.
nobody hurt me with words only to say, i don't know what i'm doing.
nobody brings my family into the picture.
nobody repeatedly do such thing to me..
with bad temper from young, i never thought i could become where/how i am now.
yes, i still gets angry at little things, so little, so insignificant. but i get over as fast and i won't say any shit what.
if i could stop saying hurtful and fucked up things when i'm angry, why can't you?
did i grow up or did you not love me enough?
i kept quiet. and why? because you were flaring and i am very fucking angry and hurt. if i ever did open my mouth, it should be deadly. i'm known for that. but time and again, i still manage to control and not say cb stuff. i manage to think rationally and speak after thinking. but what did you do to me? you kept flaring and flaring.. even when i kept quiet. you snatch and threw my notes because i didn't reply. mind you, even if i really did choose to study then it's normal. paper's on wednesday, and i'm not half way through. i ought to be fucking worried.
you never stop and think when i calmly tell you stop. you think i'm threatening you. you never once sit down and attain your calm when i kept quiet. you would go on and hurt me with whatever fuck things. when you finally cool down, you tell me you don't mean it. you don't know what you saying, you don't know what you doing. but by then, you've already said so much to me.
you never thought about why i did those i did. why i kept quiet. how i stop saying cb things. you always says because i'm good, because i'm better..
i'd say, because i put in effort, because i don't want to hurt people i love.
whatever it is.
take it that i always flare and quarrel with you because i'm hungry.
take it that i don't spare a thought for others. (yes, i'm still hurt from that. girls are known to forgive but not forget. it's especially the case if the thing is hurtful.)
the last thing my parents would do to me is to starve me. my father is especially concerned about whether we have eaten. and that is what ALL parents does. take it that i'm spoiled in this sense.. take it that i get angry when i'm starving.. take it that i'm a glutton.. whichever, however way..
you are an ideal boyfren to many of my friends.
i'm sorry if this post would make anyone see him otherwise. which is definitely not my purpose of this entry. i just wanna vent it out.
(and yes, this is tempting me to move to wordpress- again. for the same reason, again. i shifted over for it's privacy before and shifted back, for the skin. now look at this skin. whats the point eh?)
i was very angry just now, so angry i felt a sudden grip in my heart, right from the moment i chose to stare at my notes and kept quiet. but i've got no choice to rest my heart, because i got angrier when my notes were snatched away.
i am still feeling the gripping now. i don't know if i'm too hurt or and i getting heart attack. but this unhappiness/anger/hurt should end here. i should pack my emotions and hit my books.
just googled on heart attack..
- Chest discomfort. Most heart attacks involve discomfort in the center of the chest that lasts more than a few minutes, or that goes away and comes back. It can feel like uncomfortable pressure, squeezing, fullness or pain.
- Discomfort in other areas of the upper body. Symptoms can include pain or discomfort in one or both arms, the back, neck, jaw or stomach.
- Shortness of breath with or without chest discomfort.
- Other signs may include breaking out in a cold sweat, nausea or lightheadedness
source: http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=3053
though it says, "But women are somewhat more likely than men to experience some of the other common symptoms, particularly shortness of breath, nausea/vomiting, and back or jaw pain".
so what now? am i dying? ahhh.
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